Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
