That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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