I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
