My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
