In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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