She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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