The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
