I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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