I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
