Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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