I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
