I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
