dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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