I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
