Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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