I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
