it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
