I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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