im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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