I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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