if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
