god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
