Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
