Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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