where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I got chris browned last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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