Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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