Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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