STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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