she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
