i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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