Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
