My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
