I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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