Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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