mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
