I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Randomize
