I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
