my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
