things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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