You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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