then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
