Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
