I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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