I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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