life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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