Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
