Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
