I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
