Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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