Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
